Don't Go Near The Park/Review
From The Grindhouse Cinema Database
In 12,000 B.C. we meet a tribe of ancient cannibals headed by the Queen. Her two children Gar (Crackers Phinn) and Tra (Lara Moran) have been damned for all eternity for participating in uncouth acts. Their punishment is to live on forever, becoming decayed beings, thats unless they feed on humans.
We flash forward to 20th Century Los Angeles where Gar is looking for new human flesh to consume to retain his young body. He spots a girl fishing in the park and he quickly walks up behind her, says hello and then breaks her neck. He then drags her to a clearing and rips open her stomach and chows down on her innards. This is some pretty gory stuff! The camera stays on Gar from behind as he chews the liver. As he eats, the dead girls body begins to decay, turning from healthy to gray and emaciated.
Gar walks into town where he sees a young beautiful girl (Scream Queen Linnea Quigley in her first film) watching a parade. He follows her home and in one of the films most awkward scenes, he simply walks into her house and asks if she has any rooms available. The girl is frightened, but lets him stay anyway. Well, nature takes its course and soon Gar who has changed his name to Mark and the girl have fallen in love and they have a child. The little girl is named Bondi. She and Mark goto the zoo and we see them living a normal life. Mark is now just another average ancient cannibal turned modern dad.
We then flash forward 16 years where Bondi (Tamara Taylor) is now a sexy teen. During her birthday party, her mother is overheard screaming that Mark loves her more. Bondi's friends get up and leave and Bondi breaks down and cries and afterwards she decides to runaway. Taking a strange locket, her father has given her, Bondi looks for a new place to live. While walking in the city, a van full of guys pulls over and they ask her if she wants a ride. Bondi gets in and they start to harass her and try to rape her. She begins to scream and yells for help. Her locket starts to glow and the van starts to speed up by itself. It drives faster and faster and then runs off the road and explodes....Bondi however isn't dead. Something transported her out of the van. She begins walking through the woods and finds an abandoned ranch. There she meets another runaway kid named Nick (Meeno Peluce). Viewers may remember him from guest spots on the 70s Incredible Hulk TV show as well as films like The Amityville Horror. This kid swears like a sailor in the film and it adds a level of humor to the story. Nick and Bondi and another teen named Cowboy (Chris Riley) form a family unit with none other than Tra aka Patty as their mother figure.
Don't Go Near The Park is a very strange mix of genres, I'd call it a early 80s cannibal-fairy tale comedy. While I was watching, it felt somewhat refreshing in a way because most films just stay in one basic genre, but this one you never know what is coming next as it jumps around in time and new themes/characters are introduced. Theres no real way of explaining this movie if you havent experienced it. Its definitely one of the most wacky cult films I've ever seen.