Joe Bob Briggs/Quotes

• "Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that the Drive-In will never die".

• "That's it for me, Joe Bob Briggs, reminding you that there are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

• "That's it for me. Hey, maybe you heard this one, who is the most popular man at the nudist colony? The guy who can carry two coffees and twelve donuts".

• "You know what really burns my bacon..."

• "A universal draft is most often the instrument of Third World dictators".

• "Almost every venerable tradition at a men's club starts out as a joke".

• "Apparently we love our own cell phones but we hate everyone else's".

• "As I've said many times, the single most oppressed class in America right now is the teenager".

• "Discourse is fleeting, but junk mail is forever."

• "Everything changed in Bosnia, when General Wesley Clark proved that you could fight a war with high- level precision air strikes and a bare minimum of ground action."

• "Faith is like a kernel of wheat."

• "I AM a male chauvinist. Who's been saying otherwise?"

• "If you hate what you're seeing, you call it sex and violence. If you like it, you call it "romance and adventure."

• "In other words, New York has gone all suburban and bourgeois on us".

• "In some European theaters, it's still not uncommon to have a late start and three LONG intermissions, because people actually eat and drink and converse during the intermissions".

• "It's not a crime to get drunk".

• "The best ally you can have in breaking up a street fight is a grandmother".

• "The Italians always made good wine, but you had the impression they were friendly guys in straw hats running family vineyards with slaves or something so that the vino was never more than ten bucks a bottle."

• "There is no post-9/11. Everything from now until the end of time is post-9/11".

• "Yet it wasn't so long ago that virtually every person in the world felt perfectly free to show up on the doorstep of any other person in the world".
• "Betsy Palmer, of "I've Got a Secret" fame and yes, indeed, Betsy has a secret. "Kill her, Mommy, kill her." (Joe Bob talking about Friday The 13th)"

• "You know what a real artist is? A real artist is like a peasant dirt farmer in Bulgaria. He gets up every morning and he works his butt off until he's too tired to work anymore, and then he goes to bed and hopes he has enough energy left in him to harvest the dang crop. At harvest time he gets drunk, waits a few weeks, and then starts all over again."

• (on Barbarella) "It's like a combination of Jules Verne, Flash Gordon, the Marquis de Sade, Salvador Dali, Dante's Inferno, and Disney World on Ice all combined in one movie. Which means it's an inspired comic satirical tongue-in-cheek high-camp high-concept . . . means it doesn't make a lick of sense, is what it means."

• "You know what's funny? Godzilla was created by the Japanese as a symbol of what Americans did to em, right? We dropped the nuclear bomb on em and it created all these mutations, and one of em was Godzilla. So they make these movies where Godzilla is the symbol of American nuclear evil, and then they become popular in America, and then forty years later somebody says "Hey, we should make an American Godzilla movie, where the monster eats AMERICAN cities," and so the symbol of anti-American sentiment is sent over to America to devour itself, and the company doing the AMERICAN film is . . . Sony. . . ."

• "Plagiarism is not really a crime in Hollywood. It's about as serious as, oh, double-parking. In a Mexican border town. During a riot."

• "This is the Cat-And-Mouse part of the story. Cat-And-Mouse is where the killer and the would-be killee run around in a warehouse, and you don't know who can see who, and it's supposed to be real scary and it never is. I hate Cat-And-Mouse. You know who could do Cat-And-Mouse scenes? Mannix. Remember "Mannix"? Mike Connors running through abandoned warehouses in thousand-dollar suits? Now THAT was some serious Cat-And-Mouse. This is horror-flick Cat-And-Mouse. "I hope the mean guy can't see me behind this big box."

• "Did you guys hear the one about the farmer who had three daughters? Well, he tended to be a little over-protective. So whenever a guy came to take his daughters on a date, he would greet them with a shotgun to make sure they knew who was boss. One evening, all three daughters are going out on dates. So the doorbell rings, the farmer gets his shotgun and answers the door. The guy at the door says, "Hi, I'm Joe, I'm here for Flo, We're goin' to the show, Is she ready to go?" The farmer really didn't care much for the poetry, but he let em go on the date. The doorbell rings again, farmer gets his shotgun and answers the door. The second guy says, "Hi, I'm Eddie, I'm here for Betty, We're gettin' spaghetti, Is she ready?" The farmer frowns but decides to let them go. Doorbell rings again, farmer gets his shotgun, answers the door. The third guy says, "Hi, I'm Chuck"--and the farmer shot him".

• "Did you guys hear the one about the woman who got a divorce because her husband beat her all the time? Well, she remarried, but her second husband ran out on her, so she got another divorce. Years went by. She started getting lonely, so she decided to look for another husband. So she put an ad in the paper: "Wanted: Husband. Won't beat me, won't run out on me, good in bed." Several days later, the doorbell rings. The woman answers it, and she finds this man standing there with no arms and no legs. "I'm answering your ad," he says. She says, "Well, you've got no arms, so you can't beat me. You've got no legs, so you can't run out on me. But how do I know you're any good in bed?" The man says, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"